Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
#TopTip
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??