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Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
prepare for carbonated trouble
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.