I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
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babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
favorite tropes as memes
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?