Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
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me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.