Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
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My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!