New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
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I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
No, he would not have.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Lol
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button