“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
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ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off