It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
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If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong