What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
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the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”