Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
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Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool