What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
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*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
wtf is a larm clock?
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
is nasa ok
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Spring of Deception