gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
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Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Still my favourite meme.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”