Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
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I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
God, I love Scotland
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready