interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
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If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
There is no “ea” in Tim.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat