[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
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Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken