If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
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Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
When news reporters do sports stories
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Super Hand Dog Face
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.