Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
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They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]