Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
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Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”