Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
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Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
“What?”
– Jude
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT