Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
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I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.