[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.