I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
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I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
this is the best day of my life
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.