Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
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LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.