It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
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No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
#damn
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.