[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
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You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer