Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
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If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Gemma Correll
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.