Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
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Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.