Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
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Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
looks legit
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”