ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
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I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
the three branches of government
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.