“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
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When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
It do be feeling this way.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
pep talk
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them