*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
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Okay me first
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…