Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
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if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder