Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
You Might Also Like
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
WTF IS THAT!
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
the three branches of government
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
these two trucks have the same bed length
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.