*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
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I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Crying is a sign of leakness.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Fries, not lies.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone