Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
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My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what