What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
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[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”