I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
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Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum