My body is a “wonder what happened” land
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Sharon I have some bad news
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.