Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
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[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.