Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
You Might Also Like
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
So we got a goldfish…
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”