[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
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Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
where the womens at?
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.