[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
You Might Also Like
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
channeling her this year
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
how to market bottled water to dads