Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
You Might Also Like
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.