If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
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My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”