I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
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ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”