I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
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Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin