When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
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Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel