Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
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TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey