10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
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“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password