“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
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A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
britain’s three elite institutions
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Britain be like
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Damn what did I do next
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
PLOT TWIST:
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
“what’s it like having a sister?”
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.